"Where are you from?"
"The United States."
"But you're not...." or "Yeah yeah, but where are you really from?" or confused stare.
But I'm not white and I don't look like I from the United States. I understand why it's confusing. Some people at home are confused, too. It's especially confusing in Ecuador because I'm speaking Spanish with an English accent and because there's not a huge Asian let alone Asian American population here. I might as well say I'm from Ecuador, because people will believe me just as much as when I say I'm from the U.S.
Since a lot of United States' culture is diffused through media, it says a lot about the way media portrays the "American" population. Although 30 percent of the population are considered "minorities," mainstream American media is still almost all white. So what does this mean for me as a Taiwanese American in Ecuador? Well first everyone thinks I'm Chinese. With the earthquake in Japan, everyone started asking me if I was Japanese. When I'm introduce myself to someone new they always ask me where I'm from, and usually twice. Preemptively I have started to explain that my mom is from Taiwan. It's especially notable when I'm with other people in my program. We say we're all from the United States, and then the question follows, "Oh, all of you?" or "And where are YOU from?" -clearly pointed at me since I do not look like the rest of the folks in my group.
Even when I clarify that I'm Taiwanese American (but born in Pennsylvania, now living in Illinois) people often don't remember. It took my host family a while to remember that I wasn't born in Taiwan. Also, since Andrew just recently visited it added another factor. The first time I showed my Ecua-family a picture of Andrew, they said, "oh he's North American, North American." Kind of implying that I'm not quite there with my North-Americaness. Then on my taxi ride to pick up Andrew, my taxi driver (my friend's host dad who already knew my background) asked me, "So is your boyfriend Korean like you?" Let's just say there's more than one thing wrong with that question.
Flash back to when I was in preschool in Pennsylvania... (note, this is a story I've been told, because I don't remember that far back in my life)
I think our teacher was doing a class on diversity (at least an attempt) and she said something along the lines of, oh and this girl is Chinese, just like Joy! Apparently, I threw a huge fit for the rest of the day. Claiming, "I'm NOT Chinese." Over and over and over. The young Joy was annoying and persistent. I also asserted over and over that I'm AMERICAN. when my family friends picked me up from the school, my teacher apologized for offending me. [tangent, I'm going to have to write another post on the use of the word "American" later]
I really am not Chinese. It's an issue that I came to terms with in high school, I'm Taiwanese American. It's really confusing because I was always told that my family is considered Chinese in Taiwan because we're not indigenous Taiwanese (but in recent news I found out I'm 1/8 indigenous Taiwanese). And that I should consider myself an ABC American Born Chinese. There's a lot of tension between Chinese and Taiwanese that I won't go into detail here. Basically this identity issue is something I thought I'd worked out for a few years now. I started calling myself a Taiwanese American or an American Born Taiwanese.
Good for me that I worked that out, right? But whatever I call myself people still see me the way that they want to and the way they have learned to perceive Asians. I have "the eyes." Rosa once made a comment that she hoped my kids will have eyes like mine, Korean eyes. I wasn't sure what to say.. thank you? I hope so too? You know I'm not Korean?
But then the opposite I feel is just as bad. When people call me white or when my differences are not acknowledged. For example the study abroad office programs in preparation for study abroad and the way international student issues are discussed. I've been warned over and over about how blond hair blue eyed people get a lot attention. Oh, if you have red hair and freckles, watch out! Pale skin etc. People LOVE blond hair. I remember thinking okay, glad to know I won't be getting a lot of attention, but what should I expect as an Asian American? I was particularly offended when one blond hair blue eyed girl sitting next to me who studied abroad in Australia said in reference to American women, "WE blend in really well until we open our mouth." (I wouldn't blend in, I don't like this "we" business) Then when I got to Ecuador, I heard some of the same things... "your blond hair is really going to stand out, people will stare" My Ecuadorean Culture teacher warned us before Carnaval, that the pretty girls with blond hair will be especially targeted (blond equating to beautiful was rough on my self-esteem for a while). A lot of this reminded me of discussions on barbie dolls and how they set unattainable beauty standards for girls, especially minorities. Culture class is quite frustrating for me whenever we talk about US culture and my professor makes assumptions.
It's hard to articulate this frustration, because on the one hand I want people to accept the idea that I'm from the United States and not call me out because I look different. On the other hand, I don't want my differences to go unacknowledged by people from the U.S. and I don't want to and can't ignore my Taiwanese side. There are some Asian Americans who don't speak their parents language and have never lived outside of the U.S., but I'm not one of them. The best I can do is accept that there are multiple aspects that make up my identity. People will continue to try to categorize me wherever I go. Even at home on a campus with many Asian international students, people ask, "Where are you from?" Or say, "What are you?" But I just have to keep in mind and they should too, that my answer to questions like those only characterizes one aspect of my person. If people can't see beyond my Asian features, well, there's a lot more to Joy that they will miss.
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